Can 1,200 kcals a day be part of a luxury getaway? If you can go without alcohol and coffee for a week, then the answer is a resounding “Yes!” – and you’ll find it at the outstanding Brookdale Hydro.

Brookdale is located in a lovely part of South Africa’s rural KwaZulu-Natal Midlands. Not only  was it just what the doctor ordered for a barging couple who’d spent the past four months bingeing on baguettes and butter – it was pure bliss.

Almost 25 years ago to the day, Roy took me for a week at High Rustenburg Hydro in Stellenbosch, near Cape Town. Granted, 400 kcals a day at Nazi-style detox boot camp may be an unlikely way to woo a girl – but it worked.

Despite High Rustenburg’s relatively utilitarian accommodation, a regime of hard-core daily hydrotherapy and a near-starvation diet, I loved the experience – and fell in love with the guy who’d come up with such an original plan of seduction.

Like High Rustenburg, Brookdale is a proper hydro, as opposed to the more usual resort hotels with spas attached to them. (Not that I have anything against those – far from it.) But Brookdale is so much better. They pamper you, they nurture you and they feed you – wonderfully.

Not for everyone

Hydros are not everyone’s cup of rooibos, though – even Brookdale with its five-star service, ultra-comfortable accommodation and world-class treatments. That was confirmed by George at Rawdons Hotel, where we dropped in for a pub lunch before checking into Brookdale at the appointed time of 2pm one Sunday in October.

His 58 years’ service  make him as much a mascot as a waiter, and George confided that Brookdale guests frequently sneak out to satisfy cravings for the forbidden sugar, caffeine and alcohol. “They like to order Irish coffees,” he said. “And cheesecake.”

It’s true, says BFF Julie. Several of her friends who’ve been Brookdale guests admitted to having “escaped across the road to Rawdons for food and wine”. One even “shimmied up a tree on the premises for a cigarette” – no longer necessary, as smoking is allowed  in the Rose and Herb Garden.

At Brookdale

Our six-night stay was from Sunday to Saturday. You can also choose to stay for two, three or four days; you can even visit the day spa, perhaps staying over at one of the Midlands’ less expensive accommodation options, of which there are several.

Having decided to go for the whole deal, we splashed out on the Courtyard Suite (about R13,000 for six nights per person sharing) – well worth it for its separate living room complete with a fireplace and cable TV; especially when cold weather struck on the Friday.

Food

Brookdale is known for its food. You get three healthy, balanced and seriously delicious meals a day, plus a snack at 10am and another at 4pm. After lunch at Rawdons (not particularly recommended) – complete with flights of ale and on-tap G&Ts – Chef Juliet Stephenson’s light Sunday night dinner was perfect.

First up was Greek salad with olive oil and balsamic vinegar; then came charred red pepper soup drizzled with pesto and served with her own stone-ground flour and yoghurt bread; and to finish, strawberries and yoghurt topped with toasted almond flakes.

Relax (Colin Archer) – I’m not going to list all the varied, creative and incredibly healthy stuff we ate. The following photos give an idea, though.

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That’s not wine on the table, by the way – it just looks like wine.

Unlike a lot of men, Roy has no problem with  a plate full of vegetables. So,  he copes just fine with this sort of diet. He’s also better than I am at going without wine – but less keen on coffee deprivation.

Treatments and Activities

I’m lucky enough to have had a fair number of massages and other spa treatments over the years – mostly to do with my magazine editor job – and they don’t come better than this. Included in our package were an express facial, two 55-minute Swedish massages plus an aromatherapy massage each. Roy doesn’t have enough face to warrant a facial – though he does have rather a lot of forehead these days – so he swapped his facial for a back massage.

You can add on whatever facial or body treatments you like from the extensive menu, and I did. By five-star international standards, they’re all well-priced, and the standard of the therapists was without exception outstanding.

But you can’t spend all day being kneaded, rubbed, pummelled and anointed. So, what else is there to do?

Apart from the outdoor pool and sun-loungers, there’s a beautifully heated indoor pool, spa bath, steam room and sauna.

Roy was a regular at the daily aquacise classes in the heated pool – and possibly even the star turn. We took part in a guided meditation class one day; on another, Roy attended a cooking demonstration and came back full of ideas for salads that I can  make for him.

Morning walks are scheduled at 6.55am daily. And no, Roy did not turn up for them. Not only does my husband not do walking, he doesn’t do mornings either. (Fortunately, scientific studies are increasingly showing how crucial a good night’s sleep is for one’s health.)

Also included in the package was two Pilates group sessions with biokineticist Paul Candler – I also booked a private consultation with him) and two yoga classes with a lovely woman who, like Paul, comes up specially from the nearby village of Howick twice a week.

Another inclusion was a Clarins makeup demonstration, where, by no means for the first time in similar situations, I made myself insufferable by asking the wrong questions. (And then had to buy a few lovely products to make amends for having been such a pain.)

Health talks on topics such as stress management, nutrition, exercise and the importance of gut health* were held in the Lecture Room, which is also the only wifi hotspot.

* My latest obsession. If you haven’t yet read the unlikely bestseller Gut: The Inside Story of Our Most Underrated Organ by Giulia Enders, do.

Footnote: Brookdale was established 25 years ago by Wendy and Tony Somers-Cox, who are still very involved in the place. In honour of the hydro’s quarter century of existence, it’s been offering a 25 percent discount all this year (2017). We recommend the place unreservedly – and I can’t wait to go back.